I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
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Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
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Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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