So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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