Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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