Sober January is a disaster.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
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he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
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He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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