who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
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I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
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Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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