While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
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You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
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He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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