My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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