i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
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Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
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