...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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