I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize