Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
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