I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
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Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
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I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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