I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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