Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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