Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
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