Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
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