i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
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I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
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Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
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