I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
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The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
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then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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