my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
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Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
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Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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