we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
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You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
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In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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