I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
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My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
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I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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