So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
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Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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