The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
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Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
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