glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
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He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
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They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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