also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
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