He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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