I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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