Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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