the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
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I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
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We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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