I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
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Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
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