When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
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Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
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I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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