I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
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She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
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I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
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