we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
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I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
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She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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