I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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