also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
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how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
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The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
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