you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
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found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
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If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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