You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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