I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
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I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
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i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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