btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize