I will die if light touches me.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
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Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
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It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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