I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize