I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
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My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
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did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
be right there i have to get my cape
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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