I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize