i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
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Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
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Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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