You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
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You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
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Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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