i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
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all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
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Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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