I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
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you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
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I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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