I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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