I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
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I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
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Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
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