Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
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